I was driving home from work today and, as any rational and normal human will do, started thinking to myself, and eventually those thoughts lead me to ask me, "What would be your starting lineup for a Champions League final... but with active pornstars?"
I immediately started pondering formations, comparisons, play style, etc. and when the first name hit, they just kept hitting. I was making comparing and contrasting, I was looking at player style and roles and whatnot. I spent my post-work, pre-shower time on the John crafting a lineup that would give any challenger the absolute blues. And so, without further ado, let's break down our squad, shall we?
MANAGER: TORI BLACK
PRO COMP: Zinedine Zidane
Tori Black was one of the hottest things going in the industry years ago, before disappearing for a handful of years. But she resurfaced recently and has not lost a step at all. Similarly, Zinedine Zidane was a famous player before he was a famous coach. The Real Madrid Galáctico-turned-gaffer not only returned to be manager, but he then left and was just re-hired to try and salvage Real's season. I'm sure we all hope Tori doesn't have to make a second return.
Here's how she'd line up her team:
GK: ELENA KOSHKA
PRO COMP: Gianluigi Donnarumma
Koshka is one of the taller starlets out there, standing at 6-feet tall, and height is key when playing keeper. Like Donnarumma, she has youth on her side and will only continue to grow as a shot-stopper. They each follow legends of the game, but have all the tools necessary to make legends of their own.
LB: GIANNA DIOR
PRO COMP: Benjamin Mendy
Age and inexperience do not keep these two from being two of the brightest stars out there today. Dior has just 15 iMDB credits to her name, while Mendy has made just 40 club appearances for Monaco and Manchester City since 2016 (and just 9 senior team appearances for the French National Team). Despite the lack of on-camera action thus far in their careers, they still shine as some of the brightest rising stars in the game today.
LCB: RACHEL STARR (C)
PRO COMP: Sergio Ramos
Ol' Reliable. Two of the most complete athletes in their respective arenas of play. Sergio and Rachel win, it's in their blood. In Rachel's case, she has the test results to prove its the only thing that isn't blood in her blood. Individual accolade, team awards, you name it and these two have just about done it all. They're complete players, truly versatile, strong in every aspect of the game. And they have the experience and leadership qualities you want. Sergio Ramos captains Real Madrid AND Spain, so Rachel Starr is being named skipper of this team as well.
RCB: SARAH BANKS
PRO COMP: Samuel Umtiti
Samuel Umtiti rarely seems to misfire, and the same can be said for Sarah Banks. She hasn't seemed to put out a dud since starting in the industry. Umtiti is roughly average height for a central defender, but by no means the biggest guy out there. Banks is shorter than average, standing 5-foot-tall according to the Google stats thing at the top of the search because I don't want to click on those links when I'm not in a Private Browser. Both overcome the size differences and put out consistent, quality performances day in and day out. Just two people you know you can rely on when the chips are down and you need some sort of finish, some form of result.
RB: AIDRA FOX
PRO COMP: Alessandro Florenzi
Roma's Florenzi is described as tenacious, tactically intelligent, well-rounded and versatile (there's that word again). He can play as either a central midfielder in multiple roles, as well as right back which is where I'm slotting him. Look at that description and tell me Aidra Fox doesn't fit the mold perfectly: Tenacious? Have you seen her get after it? Check! Tactically Intelligent? Find someone in porn with a higher game IQ at multiple positions like Aidra. You can't. That's another Check! Well-rounded? The kids call it 'thicc', and yeah, she's cheeked ALL the way up. Check! Versatile? She can play the teacher AND the student. The step-mom AND the neighbor's daughter. CHECK!
DM: MIA MALKOVA
PRO COMP: N'Golo Kanté
Mia Malkova is only 5 years into her career but she already has 200 iMDB credits to her name. Include her other content and you could easily have double that amount. You can see Mia's work-rate is second to none, and the same can be said of N'Golo Kanté. His stamina and engine are among the best in the world across all leagues. Each burst onto the scene and have been superstars ever since: N'Golo with the legendary Leicester City title-wining team in 2016, while Mia made her presence felt with Amateur Allure.
LCM: ABELLA DANGER
PRO COMP: Granit Xhaka
In the right situation, the Arsenal midfielder could be one of the best modern Regista's in world football. A role made famous by Italian legend Andrea Pirlo, the Regista is a deep-lying playmaker who will dictate pace and play while sitting back. And if there's anything Abella Danger knows, it's dictating pace while sitting back.
RCM: TEANNA TRUMP
PRO COMP: Paul Pogba
As a box-to-box midfielder, Teanna Trump will have to bring energy, be able to finish and utilize power, skill and creativity. She has these qualities in spades, and you find that out from the first time you watch her work. Like Pogba, she brings a flair and swagger to the game that simply cannot be taught. And like Pogba, she bounced back after incarceration-Teanna was locked up on marijuana charges while Pogba had to play for Jose Mourinho, otherwise known as "Hell on Earth". Teanna Trump is what will make this team go. She may not have the captains armband, she may not score all the goals, but she is the heartbeat of the squad. She also knows a thing or two about boxes, making her a perfect candidate for the role of a high energy box-to-box midfielder.
CAM: BLAIR WILLIAMS
PRO COMP: Mesut Özil
The Arsenal man is one of the last true #10's in Europe's top 5 leagues. His vision and creativity is unmatched, and even though it doesn't always seem like he's giving a lot of effort, he's always looking for and creating that next great chance to make a game-winning pass. While Blair Williams doesn't exactly have the most work in the biz, she's done a lot of character work and has gotten creative in her scenes when it comes to positions, so I see a creative connection on that front.
LF: GINA VALENTINA
PRO COMP: Neymar Jr.
One phrase to describe each of these individuals: A young Brazilian with flair and style. In the Tori Black/Zinedine Zidane formation, Valnetina is playing the role of Cristiano Ronaldo, but with the swagger and finesse of Neymar. Her cutting inside with Gianna Dior overlapping on the left flank, with Abella Danger picking out passes and Blair Williams roaming around looking to exploit defenders? Good luck defending that. And because Gina was the one who kickstarted this whole thing, I'll name her vice-captain as well.
RF: ADRIANA CHECHIK
PRO COMP: Olivier Giroud
In the forward spot opposite Gina Valentina is Adriana Chechik. By all accounts a very pretty human, not unlike French international Olivier Giroud. But just because they're pretty doesn't mean they don't like to get down and dirty. They take care of the nasty stuff so their teammates don't have to, and they LOVE it. Giroud is one of the best when it comes to hold-up play, taking on plenty of contact but still managing to make it look good. And I'm almost certain Ms. Chechik actually prefers the gross stuff at this point, she won't even have to score the occasional scorpion kick or volley outside the box, she's perfectly fine with controlling the ball in a big scrum surrounded by dudes and finishing the job.
And that's my team. I challenge any and all to sacrifice their squad to this absolute machine I've put together. We have players that can play multiple positions, experience, up-and-comers, swagger, creativity, work-rate, flair, leadership and most importantly, desire. Your future UEFA League Champions, let us play you cowards @UEFA.
