Monday, December 9, 2019

How Arsenal Can Begin Their Rebuild in January



At times, we wait too long to pass judgement. Other times we do it too soon.  In the case of Unai Emery, I tried not to do the latter and ended up doing the former.

Emery was sacked by Arsenal on November 29, 2019 and replaced in the interim by former Gunners winger Freddie Ljungberg. I gave Emery a very lengthy leash and held belief in him far longer than I should have, fearing a hasty and emotional reaction early on. But in the end, the writing was on the wall; Emery needed to leave, and for many it was too late to turn the season around.

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Thus far, Freddie has not exactly yielded the results that fans had been hoping for. And while its true that he only had one training session before his first match in charge and likely had to resort to using many of Emery's tactics against Norwich, a 2-2 draw against the Canaries was not the kind of display fans were looking for. The Gunners followed that up with a 2-1 home defeat to Brighton & Hove Albion has not helped. It is unsure if the Invincible will remain a caretaker manager for the rest of the season, with Mikel Arteta seemingly being lined up to take the reigns at any given moment. Either way, one thing is clear: If Arsenal have any hopes of getting Champions League football back, they have to act decisively in the January window. There's a lot of work to be done to right the ship in the summer, but steps can be taken next month to help begin a transformation. Here are three targets that Arsenal can go after in the January transfer window to help bolster the squad for a potential Top Four finish Europa League championship.

Dayot Upamecano 21, CB, RB Leipzig (France) 16939198-0-image-a-28_1565096493558.jpg

One of the fastest rising center back prospects in the world, Upamecano was linked with a move to the Emirates in the summer but a potential deal fell through. His current market value via Transfermarkt pushes $45.60 million, and its easy to see why. Upamecano possesses a great frame for a center back, standing at 6'1" and 174 lbs. The right-footed defender is an imposing figure with his mix of strength, aggressiveness, quickness and athleticism. Strengths of his include his ability to win aerial duels, intercepting passes and his short passing ability, all of which Arsenal are looking for in a defender at the moment (or at least should be). Causes for concern would be the frequency of his fouls (though he hasn't been carded much, which can be a plus), as well as potential  for injury. Upamecano missed the first four matches of the Bundesliga season with a knee issue. However, since returning from injury he has played all 90 minutes aside form a 8-0 drubbing of FSV Mainz where he played 52 minutes. He had nearly 800 Bundesliga minutes as of December 6th, along with 336 minutes of Champions League action. Upamecano forms a rock solid center duo with Ibrahim Konate, and while some consider Konate to have even more potential, it's Upamecano that seems more likely to move on at the moment. The young Frenchman would ideally be able to play aggressively when pairing with someone who is more reserved, such as Rob Holding. Next season he would be able to partner with his compatriot, William Saliba, who would be another good compliment to Upamecano's play style. All in all, he is described as an old-school type of player who loves to play defense. Also, his full name is Dayotchanculle Oswald Upamecano, making it the main reason he needs to be signed.

Dan-Axel Zagadou 20, CB, Borussia Dortmund (France)process.jpeg

Look, another young, French center back with a VERY strong name! Dan-Axel Zagadou was also mentioned to be in talks to join Arsenal over the summer, though not nearly to the extent of Upamecano. Transfermarkt has his current market value at around $31.92 million, over $13 million less than Dayot Upamecano. With Zagadou, it all starts with the frame. Standing at 6'5" and nearly 200 lbs with a good deal of strength, he is an intimidating presence. He'd be able to fend off larger strikers that have long given the Gunners trouble without the presence of now-assistant manager Per Mertesacker. His height not only makes him an ideal defender for winning balls in the air but also a threat on set pieces, one of the main sources of scoring for Arsenal this season. the left-footed Zagadou also has fairly impressive passing skills for someone his size, especially short passing. He will not usually dive into tackles, making cards less likely. On the flip side, he has been called a taller Shkodran Mustafi due to lapses in concentration, along with difficulties retaining the ball, tackling and crossing (though at center back there are few chances to put in a cross from the wing). However, the Mustafi comparisons are a bit harsh as one is a 20-year-old prospect and the other is a World Cup winning 27-year-old with loads of experience under his belt. Being Left-footed is also something of a plus as he could naturally slot into the left side of the center duo with Holding or Saliba next season to his right mopping up anything that gets by. While he had a good showing over the weekend with Dortmund, leading fans to call for him to continue starting, he had previously been pushed down the pecking order by Manuel Akanji and Mats Hummels, the longtime Dortmund defender re-signed from Bayern Munich over the summer. Those two have played nearly 2,000 minutes each in all competitions, while Zagadou has played less than 300. Furthermore, when Omer Toprak returns form injury in January, Zagadou could see even less minutes. All of this, coupled with the rumor that he requested a transfer amid Arsenal's summertime interest, means he could try and force a move in January in search of more consistent playing time. Whether he thinks Arsenal is still a place to do that is to be seen, but it would be foolish of Raul Sanllehi to not at least inquire. Also, his name is Dan-Axel Zagadou, making it a main reason to sign him.

BONUS: Dan-Axel Zagadou is proficient in mugging off 6'2" 190lbs Diego Costa. Vw6aZPI.jpgD-EFQGXX4AAK4LH.jpg

Thomas Partey 26, CM/DM, Atletico Madrid (Ghana)thomas-partey.jpg He's older than the other two at 26 years of age and not as much of a prospect as he is a given at this point, but Thomas Partey would be an ideal signing for Arsenal. This also means he's the priciest person on this shortlist, being valued on Transfermarkt at $57 million. But even at that price, he'd be a top player would he move to North London in January. Standing at 6'0" and 172 lbs, he'd bring a solidness to a midfield that desperately needs it. To put it simply, Partey seems to be more machine than man at times, regularly playing all 90 minutes for Atleti. He is a no nonsense player, bringing the grit and tenacity the midfield is devoid of right now. His hardness style would certainly be welcome at Arsenal, as fans have cried out for seasons about the lack of mettle in the spine of the team, and particularly the defense and midfield. He has the tools of a modern destroyer, excelling at interceptions and tackling, but also possesses technical abilities that make him a solid passer, dribbler and long distance shot taker. At times he will struggle with discipline, but that is a small price to pay for a player of his quality. The right-footed Ghana international would work well as a box-to-box midfielder in a double pivot with Lucas Torreira, being able to not only break up play and distribute, but also make runs forward to support the attack and provide long shots. He would also be able to play as a defensive midfielder, partnering with Matteo Guendouzi as the ball carrier to link Partey and the defense with the offense, or with Granit Xhaka (if he remains with Arsenal) as a distributor. Partey would allow the other Arsenal midfielders to do more and would take defensive and ball retaining pressures off of them a bit. He would help the defense by not leaving them so exposed to attacks, and by minimizing attacking threats before they can begin to get a good run at the defenders. He'd be a top option at a position waiting for Matteo Guendouzi to gain a bit more experience, and can even mentor the young Frenchman as he himself enters his prime. He was rumored to want a move to England in the summer with Arsenal and Manchester Untied being linked early in the summer window. And think of the puns and hashtags! You though "No Vardy, Party" was something, but now its "No Partey, No Party". If i could only choose one of these three to sign in January, I'd have to go with Thomas Partey. The sheer amount of work he does while also already being a world-class midfielder int he prime of his life is far too attractive to not go for, and in reality its his mentality that really does it for me. Get Partey in January and go back for Upamecano or Zagadou in the summer. Here's how I'd line them up with Partey joining in January:

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Alternatively, you can plug Auba up top and put Gabriel Martinelli on the left wing. Torreira and Partey can do enough to cancel out Ozil's lesser defensive work rate in this setup as well. And if you bring Upamecano or Zagadou into the for next season, along with Saliba, you could end up with something similar to this:
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That is an incredibly solid and promising defense. You have Tierney and Bellerin on the flanks taking care of wingers, Torreira and Partey are breaking up play in midfield and pushing the ball up to the attack, while Upamecano aggressively goes after any loose balls or attackers that get past the double pivot. And then you have the calmness of Saliba and a top-tier keeper in Bernd Leno to mop up anything else. And that still leaves you with fairly solid backup defenders in Holding and Chambers, and midfield replacements such as Guendouzi or Joe Willock (if he progresses enough). There is more work to be done to uproot the rotten roots digging into the club's foundation right now, but the process can begin in January by bringing in a player or two that will not only bring quality to the team, but the needed attitude on top of that. Now we wait and see if Arsenal will take progressive steps in preventing their own demise.

Monday, October 28, 2019

Everyone Is In The Wrong When It Comes To Granit Xhaka, Even The Skipper Himself


Just to get it out of the way, do I know Arsenal are in a dire way right now? Yes, yes I do. Do I need think pieces and reaction about it coming from opposing fans, ESPECIALLY Spurs fans? Heavens no. They pass their judgment on how our players act as if they don't have a few issues of their own to worry about (more like PochettinOUT imo), and so here I am as the savior you never asked for for opinion you also never asked for. What transpired in North London on Sunday was nothing short of theatre. A car wreck you can't look away from. Seriously, view the footage for yourself:

Lets tackle all of this bit by bit:

1) Granit Xhaka Is Subbed Off
In the 61st minute of a 2-2 draw with Crystal Palace at The Emirates, Arsenal captain Granit Xhaka is subbed off for 18-year-old attacker Bukayo Saka in an attempt to grab a late winner. This in itself is pure hilarity that Arsenal need to bring on a teenager to try and win a game at home against Palace.
Say what you will about Xhaka at this point, but the man wants to play. Getting subbed off when you believe you still have more gas in the tank as a captain and competitor feels bad, plain and simple. Should he be in this position anyway? Probably not given his form and lack of ability in the role Unai Emery has given him. But he was starting and leading this side, so I can see why he'd be angry at the substitution.

2) Granit Xhaka Takes His Time, The Fans React, And Then Xhaka Reacts
Upon getting subbed off, Xhaka takes his sweet time leaving the field despite knowing his team want to make the quick change and get on with trying to score a late winner. The fans gave his name a sarcastic cheer when he was being taken off, but that turned into boo birds quickly. Apparently eager to get into a pissing contest, Xhaka mouths the words 'Fuck off'' in regards to the fan response, and gives sarcastic pump up gestures and motions to the fans that he can't hear them, the aren't loud enough. Again, I don't totally blame Xhaka for his reaction. Imagine if you knew you were doing your best but it wasn't enough, and then your friends and family, the supporters who are supposed to be there for you in the tough times, jeer you off your home field. How would you feel?

3) Granit Xhaka Throws The Captain's Armband 
When a captain is taken off the field, either for injury or strategy as seen with Xhaka in this moment, he hands the armband to another player, usually the vice-captain or another senior player depending on the players out on the field. As Xhaka came off the pitch, he took off the armband, but instead of handing it to vice-captain Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, he tossed it in his general direction, leaving the reigning Premier League Player of the Month to grab it off the grass. This I cannot dismiss, it is nothing short of shameful. I get his emotions were clearly running high but that's unacceptable behavior by anyone calling themselves a professional.

4) Granit Xhaka Whiffs On A Handshake, Tears Off His Jersey, Goes Down The Tunnel
After discarding the captain's armband to the turf, Xhaka finally made it off the field. Unai Emery went for the handshake as managers will do when a player is subbed off, but Xhaka, seemingly untethered with rage...

...goes for the HULK SMASH high five and whiffs, potentially on purpose but we will never know. Instead of taking a seat in the dugout with the rest of the squad, he walked straight down the tunnel to the dressing room, ripping the shirt off his back like the plague. One of the most un-captain displays I have ever seen, granted Arsenal have had quite the recent history with that sort of thing.

All in all, literally everyone is culpable here.

Granit Xhaka: You are the club captain whether you or we agree with it. You don't act out like this, save your frustrations for the privacy of the locker room. A bit of anger is never a bad thing on the field, but some of what you did was appalling. Totally let your emotions get the better of you, though to an extent I do not blame you...

The Fans: STOP BOOING OUR OWN PLAYERS! WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A 'BURNS' TO BE ABLE TO SAY WE WERE OPNLY SAYING 'BOO-URNS'!

I'm not saying don't be angry or passionate or what have you. But if a player is clearly giving their best and their best isn't good enough, you should not jeer them. Will other players want to wear that badge after all this abuse? After the abuse the likes of Eboue, Ramsey and Giroud had to endure? To me it seems like players like playing where they are appreciated and supported, not tossed into a meat grinder. 

Unai Emery: Look, you dug your grave when you made Xhaka captain and made it clear he will not be dropped from the first choice team if he's anything resembling fit. You have put this player into an impossible position where his ability and play style just do not match the team nor the league itself, really. A good manager would recognize that something is not working and ratify that ASAP. Emery has continued to plug him in and pray it works out. You are just a big a part of this failure as anyone, as big a part of this train wreck that went down on Sunday as those directly involved. And unlike the others involved, you are the only one where I cannot go, "Well that sorta makes sense given the emotions of the moment." You did this hours before the situation unfolded on the field.

The Aftermath

-Lucas Torreira Gets Emotional: What spawned this whole post. Spurs fans getting on Torreira for being emotional in that moment can lick chicken wire.
Caught up in this shitstorm and not being played in his best position, if he gets played at all that is. He cares so much for this team and its paining him to see what's happening. Now, I don't necessarily agree with the legendary Stuart MacFarlane as to the cause of this emotion, and theres a good deal of hyperbole used, but the idea is the same. He's in a bit of shock as to what's happening to the team he loves, just like the rest of us.

-Xhaka Leaves The Stadium: Granit allegedly left the game before it ended as to try and make it out of the area before the vitriolic fans were able to berate him more near full time. Great! Exactly what we need!

-Xhaka Is Visited At Home:
Some of the only good to come of yesterday is the news that Xhaka's teammates were worried enough about his mental state that a few went to his home right after to see how he was doing. THAT is being a teammate and a friend. That's leadership.

So none of this is at all good; even the slight positives, like Hector Bellerin's response, get obliterated by how negative a situation this is right now. Emery and Sokratis both said Xhaka was in the wrong, Arsenal legends like Ian Wright were all over Xhaka in the post game punditry, there are reportedly set to be talks between the brass and Xhaka regarding this incident and his role as captain moving forward is very much in doubt. I would not be surprised to see him move as soon as the January window is open. I pray that things get better before they get worse, I just have no confidence that is what will happen.

Everyone involved, from the player to the fans, are to blame. However the man shouldering the most blame is Unai Emery. This was my breaking point I think. I gave him trust but he was not the man for this job. It's officially #EmeryOut friends.

What a mess this club is right now. What an unequivocal, absolute, fucking mess.

Thursday, September 5, 2019

If You Haven't Been Paying Attention to SAINt JHN, Now's The Time To Start



Sometime in February of 2018 I was perusing Spotify as one does and came across a new release entitled "I Heard You Got Too Litt Last Night" by someone named SAINt JHN. My immediate reaction was, "Oh this is gonna be some generic, soundcloud, mumble rap type of music, but I hit play regardless.

What played was not just some common trap or R&B song.


I was instantly drawn in. Some of my favorite tunes the past few years have been slower, different sounding rap and trap songs with some melody and overall good feelings while still keeping the tempo a little slower. Think "YOSEMITE" by Travis Scott or "REBORN" by KIDS SEE GHOSTS. This one fit right in. I waited for his debut project, "Collection One", and was delighted with what we got. Plenty of bangers that span various types of sound.

You have "Selfish", which is more of a sing-song R&B track...

"Reflex" is another slow jam that I'll often play either right before or right after "Selfish"...

One that really grew on me is "Brilliant Bitch"; there's parts to sing along to and it maintains a nice sort of slow, deep sound.

Other songs off of Collection One that get a lot of love include: 3 Below, GOD BLESS THE RATCHETS, and N***a Sh*t (Swoosh).

On Collection One, he mixes his sound and style pretty nicely. It's somewhat of an experimental project with Ghetto Lenny feeling different things out. When you get to his latest release, the aptly titled "Ghetto Lenny's Love Songs", you can hear a more fleshed-out version of the Guyana/Brooklyn native. As the album title would lead you to believe, it's more of an emotional, slow album which is right up my alley. There's heavy R&B and soul influence that works so nicely with his vocal capabilities. Some of my favorites include:

"Anything Can Happen" featuring Meek Mill. The first single I heard from the album was so goddamn catchy that I was instantly hooked. You then cut Jhn's style with Meek Mill's verse and it all comes to together so well.

"Wedding Day" is a great way to kick off the album as the opening track.


There's "Trap" featuring Lil Baby, "All I Want Is A Yacht", "I Can Fvcking Tell" and "5 Thousand Singles".

Maybe my sneaky favorite SAINt JHN song, "94 Bentley". Everything about this song works.

I've heard two separate people call him a more trap-style Kid Cudi with some Caribbean influence, and that not only sounds correct to me but it also sounds just downright delightful. Ghetto Lenny himself credits Lenny Kravitz (featured on the song "Borders") as being one of the all time musical greats and draws significant influence from him ranging from music to clothing to general energy. What really does it for me is the production on his songs. His beats are almost always on point and the way his voice matches the instrumental is phenomenal. He has pretty impressive vocal range that will hopefully only get better as he progresses as an artist.

Start paying attention to SAINt JHN if you haven't been already. His first two big projects have been great and he should only get better as he goes forward. Music aside, he's a great personality to follow. He's funny, seems down to Earth while still being boastful, seems to have a good head on his shoulders and has a unique outlook on life due to his upbringing being between Brooklyn and Guyana. He's not quite a fashionista in the same vein as ASAP Rocky, but loves his garments. He loves cigars. He's Ghetto Lenny and he deserves your attention.

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

The Impossible Has Happened: Bruce Arena Hired By New England Revolution



Under religious context, the idea of The Four Horsemen are that they each depict aspects of catastrophe. On the White Horse rides Conquest; on the Red Horse is War; on the Black, Famine; and upon the Pale Horse rides Death (the actual quote from the Book of Revelations is very badass: I looked, and behold, an ashen horse; and he who sat on it had the name Death; and Hades was following with him.)

When you looked at the New England Revolution before this past week, you'd see their own version of The Four Horsemen.

On the White Horse ride the Krafts on Conquest. They dominate the NFL, they dominate business, they dominate eSports now. They thought they too would dominate MLS as a charter member of the league. But has the desire for conquest hindered their conquest of MLS?

On the Red Horse sat Brad Freidel, the Red Skull. He may have been out of his depth, and this certainly wasn't a great situation for a true first time head coach. But Friedel inadvertently brought with him War. The locker room was lost, there was infighting amongst supporters as to how to right the ship, it was a massive debacle.

Upon the Black Horse is Brian Bilello, the President of the Revolution, and he brings the Famine. The Revolution haven't won a major title since the SuperLiga title in 2008. They've long been on the brink of the ultimate success only to fall short. On top of that, the promises of players and changes only to watch the promises turn to ash. Revs fans have been hungry for a long, long time.

And then there is the Pale Horse. On that ashen stallion rides Michael Burns, now-former-GM. And with him comes Hades. Mike Burns, aside from the Krafts perhaps, should shoulder the most blame for the current state of the Revolution. Burns seemingly was an agent of pure chaos. The hirings and signings he made were at times baffling, and rarely praised by the majority. Mike Burns brought Death upon the club, despite his best intentions.

But now, two of the four are gone. The Red Horse was the first to fall. And, improbably, Death himself felt the cold steel yesterday. Friedel is out. Burns is out. And now, Bruce Arena is in.

Arena is a one of the more polarizing figures in US Soccer today. He's also one of the winningest and successful coaches in American soccer history. His list of accomplishments includes: 5x MLS Cup winner, 3x MLS Coach of the Year, 3x Supporters' Shield winner, National Soccer Hall of Famer, twice led the US Men's National Team (yes, the second of those tenures is much disputed due to the failure to qualify, but we're focusing on his MLS deeds). He likely demanded total power, as he was also named Sporting Director. His role will be much of the Arsene Wenger ilk - manager and GM combined - or for New Englanders, a similar role that Bill Belichick plays for the New England Patriots.

This may be why the Krafts agreed to this setup; Bruce Arena can very much take on a Belichick persona as the end-all-be-all of authority for the Revs in the same way Belichick commands the Patriots. The Krafts are the antithesis of a James Dolan with the New York Knicks, meaning that they want to delegate power to the coaches and front offices of their teams. With coaches at One Patriot Place looking like they'll each hold total power, this could be the scenario needed to not just return the Revs to the upper-echelon of MLS, but to finally get them over the hump and bring an MLS Cup to the Six States.

This could all blow up in our faces. Perhaps Arena will, in some way, bring back War and Death, and we will see the Red Horse and the Pale Horse join their brethren once more. But for now, we have hope. And that's all we can ask for at this point.

New England Till We Die.

Friday, May 10, 2019

A Statment




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Oh it's true, it's damn true. After months of uncertainty and, to be frank, displeasure surrounding my status for this upcoming summer, I've finalized an agreement with Camp Grossman, the only team I've known in my professional counselor career, to return for the 2019 season. The two sides were able to hash things out and I gained more clarity on my role. I won't go into any details because right now, none of that matters. All that matters is that I'll be pulling on those colors again. 

It's no secret that at this point I'm a grizzled vet of the game, and as both the camp and the unit go through a period of change, I hope to be a steady presence and someone the rookies can look to. Beyond this year, who knows what happens. There's a very real chance that there's a massive roster overhaul after this season, and that moving forward I won't be part of such a special place. But let's not dwell on that, we have so much to be exited about right now. All I know for certain is that WE, not I, but WE are back. We return a strong core that can lead us to new heights. The shifting personnel throughout the camp will be interesting. But I'm ready for the challenge. 

This is a storied franchise and I'm blessed to be a small part of it. There's no place I'd rather be, so let's make the most of it.

One last thing to do: Cue the music.

Welcome to Season 4.




Friday, April 5, 2019

The Pornstar FC Starting XI


I was driving home from work today and, as any rational and normal human will do, started thinking to myself, and eventually those thoughts lead me to ask me, "What would be your starting lineup for a Champions League final... but with active pornstars?" 

I immediately started pondering formations, comparisons, play style, etc. and when the first name hit, they just kept hitting. I was making comparing and contrasting, I was looking at player style and roles and whatnot. I spent my post-work, pre-shower time on the John crafting a lineup that would give any challenger the absolute blues. And so, without further ado, let's break down our squad, shall we?

MANAGER: TORI BLACK
PRO COMP: Zinedine Zidane

Tori Black was one of the hottest things going in the industry years ago, before disappearing for a handful of years. But she resurfaced recently and has not lost a step at all. Similarly, Zinedine Zidane was a famous player before he was a famous coach. The Real Madrid Galáctico-turned-gaffer not only returned to be manager, but he then left and was just re-hired to try and salvage Real's season. I'm sure we all hope Tori doesn't have to make a second return. 



Here's how she'd line up her team:


GK: ELENA KOSHKA
PRO COMP: Gianluigi Donnarumma

Koshka is one of the taller starlets out there, standing at 6-feet tall, and height is key when playing keeper. Like Donnarumma, she has youth on her side and will only continue to grow as a shot-stopper. They each follow legends of the game, but have all the tools necessary to make legends of their own. 



LB: GIANNA DIOR
PRO COMP: Benjamin Mendy

Age and inexperience do not keep these two from being two of the brightest stars out there today. Dior has just 15 iMDB credits to her name, while Mendy has made just 40 club appearances for Monaco and Manchester City since 2016 (and just 9 senior team appearances for the French National Team). Despite the lack of on-camera action thus far in their careers, they still shine as some of the brightest rising stars in the game today. 


LCB: RACHEL STARR (C)
PRO COMP: Sergio Ramos

Ol' Reliable. Two of the most complete athletes in their respective arenas of play. Sergio and Rachel win, it's in their blood. In Rachel's case, she has the test results to prove its the only thing that isn't blood in her blood. Individual accolade, team awards, you name it and these two have just about done it all. They're complete players, truly versatile, strong in every aspect of the game. And they have the experience and leadership qualities you want. Sergio Ramos captains Real Madrid AND Spain, so Rachel Starr is being named skipper of this team as well. 



RCB: SARAH BANKS
PRO COMP: Samuel Umtiti

Samuel Umtiti rarely seems to misfire, and the same can be said for Sarah Banks. She hasn't seemed to put out a dud since starting in the industry. Umtiti is roughly average height for a central defender, but by no means the biggest guy out there. Banks is shorter than average, standing 5-foot-tall according to the Google stats thing at the top of the search because I don't want to click on those links when I'm not in a Private Browser. Both overcome the size differences and put out consistent, quality performances day in and day out. Just two people you know you can rely on when the chips are down and you need some sort of finish, some form of result. 



RB: AIDRA FOX
PRO COMP: Alessandro Florenzi

Roma's Florenzi is described as tenacious, tactically intelligent, well-rounded and versatile (there's that word again). He can play as either a central midfielder in multiple roles, as well as right back which is where I'm slotting him. Look at that description and tell me Aidra Fox doesn't fit the mold perfectly: Tenacious? Have you seen her get after it? Check! Tactically Intelligent? Find someone in porn with a higher game IQ at multiple positions like Aidra. You can't. That's another Check! Well-rounded? The kids call it 'thicc', and yeah, she's cheeked ALL the way up. Check! Versatile? She can play the teacher AND the student. The step-mom AND the neighbor's daughter. CHECK!



DM: MIA MALKOVA
PRO COMP: N'Golo Kanté 

Mia Malkova is only 5 years into her career but she already has 200 iMDB credits to her name. Include her other content and you could easily have double that amount. You can see Mia's work-rate is second to none, and the same can be said of N'Golo Kanté. His stamina and engine are among the best in the world across all leagues. Each burst onto the scene and have been superstars ever since: N'Golo with the legendary Leicester City title-wining team in 2016, while Mia made her presence felt with Amateur Allure. 



LCM: ABELLA DANGER
PRO COMP: Granit Xhaka

In the right situation, the Arsenal midfielder could be one of the best modern Regista's in world football. A role made famous by Italian legend Andrea Pirlo, the Regista is a deep-lying playmaker who will dictate pace and play while sitting back. And if there's anything Abella Danger knows, it's dictating pace while sitting back. 



RCM: TEANNA TRUMP
PRO COMP: Paul Pogba

As a box-to-box midfielder, Teanna Trump will have to bring energy, be able to finish and utilize power, skill and creativity. She has these qualities in spades, and you find that out from the first time you watch her work. Like Pogba, she brings a flair and swagger to the game that simply cannot be taught. And like Pogba, she bounced back after incarceration-Teanna was locked up on marijuana charges while Pogba had to play for Jose Mourinho, otherwise known as "Hell on Earth". Teanna Trump is what will make this team go. She may not have the captains armband, she may not score all the goals, but she is the heartbeat of the squad. She also knows a thing or two about boxes, making her a perfect candidate for the role of a high energy box-to-box midfielder. 



CAM: BLAIR WILLIAMS
PRO COMP: Mesut Özil 

The Arsenal man is one of the last true #10's in Europe's top 5 leagues. His vision and creativity is unmatched, and even though it doesn't always seem like he's giving a lot of effort, he's always looking for and creating that next great chance to make a game-winning pass. While Blair Williams doesn't exactly have the most work in the biz, she's done a lot of character work and has gotten creative in her scenes when it comes to positions, so I see a creative connection on that front. 



LF: GINA VALENTINA
PRO COMP: Neymar Jr. 

One phrase to describe each of these individuals: A young Brazilian with flair and style. In the Tori Black/Zinedine Zidane formation, Valnetina is playing the role of Cristiano Ronaldo, but with the swagger and finesse of Neymar. Her cutting inside with Gianna Dior overlapping on the left flank, with Abella Danger picking out passes and Blair Williams roaming around looking to exploit defenders? Good luck defending that. And because Gina was the one who kickstarted this whole thing, I'll name her vice-captain as well.



RF: ADRIANA CHECHIK
PRO COMP: Olivier Giroud

In the forward spot opposite Gina Valentina is Adriana Chechik. By all accounts a very pretty human, not unlike French international Olivier Giroud. But just because they're pretty doesn't mean they don't like to get down and dirty. They take care of the nasty stuff so their teammates don't have to, and they LOVE it. Giroud is one of the best when it comes to hold-up play, taking on plenty of contact but still managing to make it look good. And I'm almost certain Ms. Chechik actually prefers the gross stuff at this point, she won't even have to score the occasional scorpion kick or volley outside the box, she's perfectly fine with controlling the ball in a big scrum surrounded by dudes and finishing the job. 


And that's my team. I challenge any and all to sacrifice their squad to this absolute machine I've put together. We have players that can play multiple positions, experience, up-and-comers, swagger, creativity, work-rate, flair, leadership and most importantly, desire. Your future UEFA League Champions, let us play you cowards @UEFA. 


Thursday, March 7, 2019

Arsenal's Potential New Technical Director Is Confirmed About That Action


football.london-Monchi has dropped the biggest hint yet that he is on the way out of Roma, as confidence grows at Arsenal that they can lure the Spaniard to the Premier League... 
Monchi, who is currently director of football at Roma, is the first choice and discussions have taken place about him linking up once again with Unai Emery...
And on Wednesday night he gave the clearest indication yet that he will be leaving Roma in the summer...
They currently sit fifth in the league, three points adrift of the top four and on Wednesday night they were knocked out of the Champions League by Porto. And it was after that game in Portugal, which the hosts won 3-1 in extra-time to go through 4-3 on aggregate, that Monchi seemed to reveal he was heading for the exit door. Confronted by angry Roma fans at the airport in Portugal, the Spaniard was angered by some of the abuse that came his way - responding ‘in six months, I’ll take on each of you one on one.’

Following the departure of Sven Mislintat from his post as Head of Recruitment for Arsenal, Ramon Rodriguez Verdejo (better known as 'Monchi') emerged as the front-runner to be tabbed as Technical Director, in charge of player transactions among other things. Monchi is a well-known commodity in soccer, working wonders with current Arsenal manager Unai Emery when they were at Sevilla in the early-and-mid-2000's. He later went on to AS Roma where he found success in his first season but has seen things turn sour this time around. 

And now after Roma has been knocked out of the Champions League he has decided he won't be taking any flak from anyone. Let me ask you a question: Would you be comfortable approaching this man in an airport following a bad loss and yelling at him that he's bad at his job?

That's not a Technical Director my friends, that man legitimately looks like the assassin villain of a future Mission Impossible movie. Imagine having the gumption to walk up to him at an airport in Portugal and berating him for not signing the right players. Couldn't be me! 

And so, Monchi (who was also a 6-foot goalkeeper who retired at age 30, meaning he is even more of a psychopath) decided enough was enough and challenged those fans in the airport to one-on-one duels in six months time when he is expected to leave Roma for Arsenal. I actually think Monchi will not fight those fans barehanded one at a time--no no, he will fight them like 6 on 1 and will also wield a sledgehammer like he's Triple H. He honestly looks a little like a Spanish Triple H post haircut:

All I know for certain is that Monchi is very much about that action and is both ready and willing to resort to fisticuffs with fans to defend his honor. I cannot wait for him to make a few nice signings and then walk up the Seven Sisters Road shirtless, brandishing a broken bottle and ready to challenge all of Tottenham Hotspur to a Mick Foley-esque deathmatch at WrestleMania. 

#FisticuffsMonchi indeed.