If you need a refresher on whats been going on the past few weeks then you have far bigger problems at hand than spending money, but if you're caught up and are wondering about your government 'Rona check, then you've found the right place. For all the details on the stimulus checks and econmics that are above my pay grade (it's $0, my pay grade for this is $0) then check out the breakdown by The Guardian. The gist of it is that, depending on your income and other factors such as marriage status, you could be getting a check for up to $1,200 from the US government to aid in the fallout from COVID19. Now obviously you could be responsible and save that money, put it towards rent, food for your kids, toilet pap - nope, its sold out now - or other essentials for surviving a quarantine. Talking batteries, your basic soups, things of that nature.
HOWEVER.
If you want some ideas for how to make that check really work for you and provide you entertainment so you don't go clinically insane, then welcome aboard and please enjoy your journey.
Drugs: Need to preface with "Not a drug guy", cause I'm not a drug guy. Now that that's out fo the way: A surefire way to make everyhting else you do in your dwelling way more fun is drugs. RESPONSIBLE drug use should A) be legalized during quarantine and B) be a priority and encouraged. You're bored and on your 3rd watch of Parks and Rec? Enter cannabis, which will make it way more interesting! Eyes about to bleed from looking at Excel in your bedroom for the 5th straight hour? Transcend the spreadsheets with some shrooms and find inner peace! Need to quickly finish that work because you spent half a day tripping sack on magic mushrooms and examing the surface of every golf ball you find under your bed? Cocaine can help you there! Now I'm not advocating for ALL drug use. I would recommend not turning to things like meth or opium, just keep it in the sort of socially acceptable range. Coke, pot, acid, shrooms, MDMA, peyote, DMT, the usuals. Things that'll really open your eyes and make you think Vishnu is sitting on your recliner.
What better way to make the days go by like cinematic mode on Red Dead II than by going on a multi-day vision quest with some top of the line ayahuasca? You reach a deep spiritual understanding of the cosmos while also passing from Tuesday to Friday in no time. Sure, you'll puke and think you have Big Rona, but in reality you're actually just exploring the space-time continuum on a rainbow made of Jimi Hendrix's silken linens. Any way you slice it, drugs will make basically everyhting you do way more fun, something desperately needed for the weeks and months ahead. PS-still not a drug guy
A Subscription to an Onlyfans Account: Almost every industry has been impacted in some way by the pandemic. Even those like medical suppliers are so swamped and in need of extreme precaution, putting a lot added strain on the workers. But the industry that has perhaps been most negatively impacted by Coronavirus is Instagram models. Instagram being a free app means they rely on advertisements from small p̶y̶r̶a̶m̶i̶d̶ ̶s̶c̶h̶e̶m̶e̶s̶ startups, and traveling to exotic locations on the dime of a 5'7" divorced lawyer with two kids or a Saudi prince is a major part of their income and ability to post thirst traps. Travel bans and social distancing means flying to Tulum or Dubai is out of the question at this point, and I'd venture to guess that most flat tummy tea companies won't survive the economic fallout, meaning Instagram models will need to turn to a new source of revenue. Enter Onlyfans.
Tom Landry's Hat: Homer Simpson was cut the fattest of checks by Hank Scorpio when he moved to Cypress Creek. With his new wealth he was able to purchase Tom Landry's hat while strolling through town with the fmaily one day. Folks, you're about to receive money from the government, put it to use and buy Tom Landry's hat so we may all be more efficient and, God-willing, someday own the Dallas Cowboys.
Hardtack: You know what the original settlers lived on? A humble marriage of water and flour. And if you were maybe a high roller, you could get that but with salt. Know who's a high roller now? That's right, it's you! Stock up on salted hardtack to harken back to the days of your ancestors dying of Cholera and wearing buckles on their hats. Guaranteed to last as long as this quarantine and then some. That's like 20,000% ROI.
Hypebeast Surgical Masks: Look, if you have to wear a mask during this you might as well get a fit off while you're at it. Show your parents, your roommates, your animals that you still have the drip despite not leaving your house for a week and a half. Optional are the E-boy hair part, single dangling crucifix earring and proclivity to use the purple devil emoji when texting your crush, "what wud u do if we were quaratined together nd i kissed you lol 😈😈😈".
Boxes of Tissues: Whole lotta time on our hands and your crush left you on read after that text you just sent with the purple devil emojis. You also have that Onlyfans subscription now. Just make sure you save some Kleenex in case you get sick or have a bloody nose from the cocaine.
Perishable Food Items: I know I have hardtack, which could survive a nuclear blast, on this list but that's just one aspect of what you're diet should include while locked down. If you're like me, you've been stocking up on frozen items and food that can last you a while. At the same time, if you're like me then you've also been holding off on eating that food in case the worst case scenario happens and you can't even go buy food in the future. The solution to this problem is to spend your COVID CASH on food that you need to eat ASAP. Now you may be thinking I'm talking items like raw chicken breast, eggs, milk, lettuce, etc. What I'm really talking about is things like raw clams and live snowcrab. Things that are encased in a shell so you won't get the virus form eating them but that you need to eat basically on the way home from the store otherwise they'll spoil or attack you. I don't care what you say, if you buy an alive snowcrab and think you're just going to toss that in the fridge until Friday night, you are sorely mistaken. You better have your pot on a rolling boil when you step through that front door cause that sucker needs to go right in as you melt the butter. Eating like a king on quarantine and making sure you don't just stash your food for when you really need it.
Those are just a handful of things you can put your hard-earned virus money towards. If you're going insane and need some things to entertain you, consider some of those options, or others like them.
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