LCB Fantasy Battles: Team River Monsters

Tomorrow. 8|7c. It's back.

Join Trillballins, @TylerIAm, @ColeyMick, @nickturani, @kbnoswag, @JackKennedy, and @JeffDLowe for Season 2, Episode 2 of 'Fictional Debates'. NEW RULE: New weapons every round All episodes: https://t.co/X8eQ1clHT0 pic.twitter.com/QTk8KIE4mH — Lights, Camera, Pod (@LightsCameraPod) June 25, 2020

I'll level with you folks, quarantine hasn't been great. Sure, there are some things that aren't so bad: saving money, not making a fool of yourself in front of the opposite gender after precisely three (3) Watermelon-Kiwi Truly's (the best flavor as we all know), as well as time to get back to things like reading or learning new hobbies. But at the same time, it's gotten a bit stale at this point. Well, stale with the exception of Thursday nights.

Content has been through the roof for some the past few months, and it's possible that no one has exceeded expectations quite like our pals over at 'Lights, Camera, Barstool'. Jeff D. Lowe has put on a masterclass thus far. Aside from continuing to host/edit/produce the LCB podcast, he's been running the wildly popular 'Dozen' trivia show along with my personal favorite piece of content from quarantine: Fictional Character Debates. The premise is quite simple, each person on the panel creates a team to do battle with another random team. Season 1 was 5 v. 5 basketball, and Season 2 is 4 v. 4 combat with one random weapon included.

Perhaps at this point you're saying to no one in particular, "How is that different from any other fictional debate from anyone else?" Well, the real magic is in the collection of minds they bring together each week. It's similar to an Avengers situation, but for Weird Twitter. You have KB and Nick from 'A New Untold Story' (commonly referred to with the abbreviation 'ANUS') who gave us the tale of Melty's:

The legend of Melty’s pic.twitter.com/8wsXek25MQ

— A New Untold Story (@anus) June 5, 2020

As well as, well this, which is one of the funniest things I have seen:

Ranking the 5 things we wish didn’t exist. Who do you think won? pic.twitter.com/1tjT9HRGhC

— A New Untold Story (@anus) June 3, 2020

There's Coley and Tyler from Mickstape:

Brand new episode out RIGHT NOW:

Listen: https://t.co/Fs0QUVICmf pic.twitter.com/OF6z0EajjZ — Mickstape (@MickstapeShow) June 16, 2020

And then the LCB boys, where Jeff plays a perfect host and straight man to counter not just the other guests, but his own co-hosts as well. KenJac is a wild card, and that makes Trillballins something even wilder than that. For any OG Twitter users that have been having withdrawals ever since our Big Baby Boy stopped using the site, the debates are PRIME TrillyBallGame and a big creative outlet for him. He put together some of the best teams in Season 1, including a squad made up of Independent Contractors My Wife Hires To Fix The House While I'm At Work. That team gave us the legend of Cru:
 


AND Doggystyle Gary:
 

Can we... can uhhh..... Can we got an other look at Cru really quick?

 

What a nice boy helping Mrs. Ballins out every day! We aren't sure what he precisely does but he's always there. They are very much worth a watch back if you have not seen them yet (HERE'S a playlist for you). Now, I've been thinking about what a team that I would make would look like. It;s hard to not totally rip off what those guys have been doing but I think I found a team that is fairly unique and is also formidable enough to take out the competition.

 I'm rolling with Team River Monsters.


 ARAPAIMA - 10 ft, 400 lbs



GOONCH CATFISH - 8 ft, 200 lbs



PIRAIBA - 12 ft, 450 lbs



JEREMY WADE - 6 ft, 141 lbs., 64 years old



Good luck everybody else!

 The Piraiba is your big man, the target the other team should look to take out first. Not only does this catfish have the size, he has the killer instinct as well; the Piraiba is strongly rumored to be able to swallow men whole. Sounds a lot like my ex-wife, amiritefolks???

 
You think Sugar Bear could operate knowing he could get Kirby-Succed by a massive fish at any moment? Not a chance, friend.

 The Goonch is like a sidekick of sorts for the Piraiba. It's also a rumored man-killer and compliments the length of its Amazonian pal with the strength and girth of a genetically modified, blue ribbon pig at a county fair:

 It's a fish so stocky, so massive and so muscle-bound that Jeremy had to "take a swim" to catch it: 

 The Goonch, while smaller than the other two, has a nasty streak and is nicknamed the Giant Devil Catfish and is blamed for numerous deaths along the Kali River in Asia.

 The Arapaima has the chance to really steal the show though. It has size, strength, speed and perhaps more importantly, the temperament. I'll let Jeremy describe it:

And if you aren;t convinced yet:

 And finally, the centerpiece of the team, Jeremy Wade.  The true River Monster. He's an extreme angler, underwater detective, biologist, master of landlocked waters, one of the most interesting and badass humans of all time. The only thing he doesn't like doing is killing fish, so when the opposition is literally just trying to kill fish I fully expect him to go full rage and wipe the floor with them singlehandedly. That's what Jeremy Wade does.

 I truly think this is an unbeatable team. You try and focus on the Piraiba due to its size and the Arapaima comes shooting out of the water with the force of a car wreck and splits your sternum open. Go after the Arapaima and you have two man-eating catfish trying to suck you down whole. Go after the Goonch and it will take you for a swim you will not return from. Oh and the entire time you have madman Jermey Wade running around like a man possessed trying to murder anyone who even thinks about laying a harmful finger on any of his aquatic brethren. Imagine thinking you're getting away from this man:
   

 Fat chance, bub. You'll be sleeping with the fishes*.



 *This team deserves to lose for that pun and I apologize wholeheartedly for it.