Monday, September 24, 2018

Celtics Rookie Robert Williams Has Shot Up My Draft Board After Discovering The Press Conference Gatorade Is Fake


Robert Williams began making a name for himself almost instantly when he slept past his post-draft conference call with reporters and then missed a flight and, as a result, the first Celtics Summer League practice. He has since attempted to remedy this by buying an apartment next to the team practice facility in the city, but those of us that are woke know the truth.

Robertwilliam, as named by The Riffs Man, is actually a Time Lord, another title betrothed by The Riffs Man, and he did not miss these events due to maturity issues as the media would lead you to believe. No, Robertwilliam was actually very much at these events, but in different time periods and dimensions altogether. Thats life as a Time Lord, you are not constrained by clocks of any manner and travel freely throughout the cosmos.

Aside from ripping apart the space-time continuum as we know it with Kyrie Irving, Robertwilliam has now added to his resume.


That's as galaxy-brained as it gets if we're being honest. First off, the unmitigated gall to request to have his thirst quenched by the Gatorade that we've always seen on the table for NBA pressers. I don't think anyone in history has ever asked if they can drink that. In fact, I'm pretty sure a large portion of professional athletes don't even drink Gatorade at all; they have the resources readily available to tell them, "No, do not put that in your body, here drink this science thing that's a million times better for you and also not available to the plebeians watching from the stands."

So not only has Robertwilliam gone and done the thing like a true madlad, but he's uncovered a potential conspiracy along the way. After all this time we learn that the Gatorade on display during pressers is actually just plastic. There's no Gatorade in that thing! I bet there's never been anything close to Gatorade in it!
Robertwilliam on some Encyclopedia Brown shit. Motherfuccing Cam Jansen.

As a result of being a Time Lord who may or may not have a role in defeating Thanos, as well as being a part-time sleuth uncovering Gatorade mysteries, I must move Robertwilliam to the very top of my Draft Board.
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I Formally Nominate "High" To Act As Our Nation's New National Anthem


In recent years, the "Star Spangled Banner" has come under a bit of scrutiny for a number of reasons. First and foremost it has come to be synonymous with the whole "Kneeling" back-and-forth. Athletes, wth NFL players being among the leaders after Colin Kaepernick first knelt during the playing of the national anthem years ago on the sidelines, have been using this moment to display their own messages and forms of protest and the like. This is not going to be a political thing, don't worry. I just wanted to make sure everyone was up to speed on what's been going on in America the past few years, you know? One day you're obliterating your cell phone with a rusty tire iron after accidentally stumbling upon a Darren Rovell tweet about various ballpark food items, and two years later you finally re-acquire an iPhone only to log onto the Twitter Machine to see that anarchy has indeed broken out on these streets. 

Now, I enjoy the Star Spangled Banner for the most part. When there's a bunch of people all singing it for a sporting event like the World Cup or Olympics, it's a very good song for the blind jubilation. Aside from the possible racial undertones of the rarely-sung lyrics later on in Francis Scott Key's work ("No refuge could save the hireling and slave, From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave" in particular are the lyrics often cited, which has been disputed as actually being written about the British enemies of the War of 1812 and their impressment--you can go read about all this stuff on your own though, you have the same Google that I do.) 

One other common criticism of our current national anthem that does not have to do with politics or racism or other bad things is that it doesn't slap. 


Now, I don't necessarily agree with that statement nor sentiment. I think the Star Spangled Banner is a solid song, but not one I'm always trying to listen to. I'm not gonna roll up to the tailgate and throw on the Key Man. It has its time and place. The Star Spangled Banner is basically like any song off of Beerbongs & Bentleys, because that album was objectively good but also extremely depressing and not for active use. You have to be selective about when you're putting on Beerbongs & Bentleys because that'll suck the life right out of any function with a quickness the likes of which you've never seen before. 

Plenty of countries have strong anthems, the USA included to be frank. France has those rolling drums and trumpets to start it out:


The start of New Zealand's sounds like the start to an actual song that also serves as the opening credits for a 90's sitcom:


And Italy has a nice stop and start going on with their intro:


Not to mention you also get Gigi Buffon singing along to it:


I hope to one day find something that I love as much as Gianluigi loves singing Fratelli d'Italia.

So what are we left to do? Well, we're gonna get ourselves a new national anthem, thats what we're left to do, Chief. 

There are plenty of options for certain. Int'l Players Anthem by UGK and OutKast is always a front runner. Dipset Anthem is another option, but not what I am looking for per se. No, what I have chosen to represent us as Americans moving forward is really the only option at this point. 


Our pal Jeffery released his new EP titled On The Rvn last night, and on it is potentially the greatest song and collaboration of all recorded and unrecorded history. It's titled "High" (ft. Elton John). It samples Sir Elton John's 1972 hit "Rocket Man", and SEX decided to hop on the beat because John is a notoriously big fan of Young Thug and even compared him to John Lennon. 

The outcome of a Young Thug and Elton John collaboration is what many people are calling the song of the millennium. 



After listening to this for the first time a month or so ago when it first leaked as simply "Young Thug-Rocket Man Remix" I knew it was something special. And big things must have been coming because at the time a number of accounts on YouTube and SoundCloud were putting it up and getting it ripped down in minutes. Turns out Thugger went ahead and had it mastered and mixed for this EP as a gift to us, the people.

Now, we have to take a look at the incumbent and the challenger. A Tale of the Tapes, if you will.



And so, I am formally nominating "High" by Young Thug featuring Sir Elton John to be the new national anthem of THESE United States of America. You're welcome.
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