Tuesday, October 5, 2021

Could I Coach The Jaguars?


Urban Meyer’s move from Ohio State to the Jacksonville Jaguars was a main topic of discussion this past NFL offseason. A lot of people thought he would be able to seamlessly transition from college to the NFL given his experience, his use of pro-style-leaning offenses and the fact he would have the #1 overall pick, Trevor Lawrence, under center for him after just having Justin Fields running the show in Columbus. He’s a guy who knows where the holes will open in order to attack with a strong hand, or perhaps utilize a change of pace and just slide right into that void real stealth-like. He’s a man with his fingers and thumb on the pulse, he should know how to lead this franchise on an upswing, right?

The first thing we have learned about Urban Meyer is that he apparently has less of a grasp on the Trevor Lawrence-type than we originally assumed.

The thing is, Trevor has put up decent stats but the turnovers are doing them no favors. He has very good targets to throw to, and James Robinson has done a fine job as the lead back after Travis Etienne, the 25th overall pick in the 2021 draft, was placed on IR in the preseason.

But sitting at 0-4, something clearly needs to change in Duval County.

My question is: at this point, as things stand right now, could I do just as good a job as Urban Meyer? Could I at least go oh-fer and completely lose the locker room before getting a healthy severance package before our bye week even hits? Let’s break it down a bit, ask a few questions, and see where Urban and myself are similar and where we differentiate.

First, my credentials. Coaching experience? Well, I’ve referred to myself as the “Bill Belichick of Kinneret Maccabiah” on multiple occasions, so yeah I’d say I have some coaching experience. Is three titles in five years good? Is four out five after absorbing another team and technically winning three straight Boats considered decent? So uhh, I think I know a thing or two about coaching teams to championships. For football-specific experience, I was a volunteer assistant at my old high school for a year and half where I only wore the headset in the booth and told the head coach what I saw maybe two or three times a game. I know all about the headsets and how they work on a very basic level, so we have that ground covered as well. I promise those headset cases will be packed at an elite level if I have my hands on them.

My football philosophy is very simple: Build from the defense, establish the run, go back to basics, and no quarter. As we saw with the Super Bowl 50 Champion Denver Broncos, you can win with an elite defense even if your quarterback has a used tube of toothpaste for an arm and a county fair-winning watermelon for a head.

You need to control the line of scrimmage and setting the tone with the run game is a great way to get that done. If things aren’t going well, don’t overcomplicate if you don;t have to. Break out a trick play if you feel it’s necessary, but otherwise keep it simple and build yourself back up. And finally, do not let up. No quarter, no mercy. 

So where has Urban maybe got it wrong and how would I do it differently? 

Is Urban moving away from film? 

For almost his whole career, I have never heard anyone have to talk about how Urban Meyer does film. Based on his college results, his teams always seemed very well prepared and I bet film had a lot to do with that. But in recent days it’s seemed that Urban has wanted to stay away from any and all types of film if he can help it. There’s scuttlebutt that he might be trying to scrub any and all footage from Week 4 off of the Internet if possible, which is odd because at this point I think we’ve all seen enough film on Urban to determine how he wants to play.

Does Urban utilize the Shotgun too much?

There was a moment that stood out in the Jags’ loss to the Bengals in Week 4. At the end of the first half the ball was at Cincy’s one-yard-line; rather than run a conventional QB sneak, Lawrence lined up in the shotgun and ran a QB option play that had worked well before this moment. On this iteration, the Clemson product was stopped short of the goal line. Shotgun might be more comfortable for him, which is understandable given the system he played in at Clemson under Dabo Swinney, but Urban needs to get back to the basics and have his guy run the old fashioned sneak. As the head coach, it’s on Urban to show Trevor exactly how to get his hand right in his centers’ backside and confidently take the snap. It won’t always be pretty; there’s poor weather to worry about and centers aren’t always the driest guys. Sometimes it’ll get slippery, like a packed bar when the drinks are flowing, but I think Urban Meyer has what it takes to expertly model how to get that hand placement just right to make sure a mark is left at the end of the day. If Trevor goes under center and completes that sneak, that’s making a mark. 

Is Urban forcing it in there?

Urban Meyer is a guy who is probably used to things breaking his way in all aspects of life, and when it doesn’t he fakes a heart attack. Some of the college teams he’s led have been absolute wagons, and he’s considered one of the top college coaches of his era, so its not a surprise he might try and force things a little when the seat starts getting hot in the pros. Perhaps he’s telling Trevor to try and squeeze a ball into a tight window to hit a receiver down the field in a crucial moment of the game, leading to the uptick in INTs. No more throwing it away, ya know? Get the ball into your receivers’ hands. The thing is, sometimes the coverage is just too good and you need to work through those progressions and eventually throw it away or scramble. Allow me to phrase it this way: imagine there’s some sort of material, like denim, in front of the receiver. No matter how hard you throw it, no matter how sneaky you think you might be, you cant force your way past that denim without drawing attention to yourself. Trevor can’t be trying to thread a needle to DJ Chark when he’s triple covered. But Urban isn’t so used to this resistance, so he’s really trying to get himself through that denim. In his mind, all he needs is a finger to breach that fabric and the whole field will open up. 

Urban Got Caught on Camera Trying to Put a Finger in Not His Wife’s Bum in a Bar After a Fourth Straight Loss to Open the Season






I probably would have opted against doing that. 

Now for my part? What I would do to turn the ship around? Well, it’s real simple. I would just have my team play better football and win the games rather than lose them. It’s one of the first things they teach you at coaching school.

Closing time could be coming for Urban Meyer, but will he be going home alone? The only person who may know for sure is Shelley Meyer.


Friday, July 24, 2020

Let's Talk About The Nestle Crunch Bar Commercial


I'm sure you've seen the family above. For months now we've had Joanna and her perfect little trio pop up during commercial breaks for all of your favorite shows. Just a happy family snacking on some crunch rice smothered in milk chocolate after a little league baseball game. A ideal situation, pure Americana! 

Now let's watch the commercial again...


Upon first watch you might say, "Yep, same commercial as ever, a handsome family and good sweets." I had the same reaction. 

Now the first time I re-watched it and paid attention here's what I saw: 

-The white mother, Joanna, on the left of the screen
-Joanna's husband, who is black, on the right side of the screen
-Their bi-racial son, an absolute scamp and likely #2 hitter on his team, in the middle 


Then we get to the ingredients of the Crunch Bar portion of the advertisement:

-The rice, which is white, flies in from the left
-The chocolate component flies in from the right 
-The combine in the middle to create the Crunch Bar that we all know and love today


I mean that CANNOT just be a coincidence, right?? You just happen to have the white rice and the chocolate collide like some paint in an indie rock music video to create a blend of the two directly after showing a multiracial family set up in the same fashion? The white coming in from the left and the black coming from the right to make a combination in the center???


It just seems far too thought out and something marketing execs thought would be clever to be happenstance. You literally, in both images, have a white form on the left combining with a black form on the right to make a perfect combination of crackly rice and milk chocolate in the middle. 

And ya know what? I think I've actually done a 180 on this commercial. I thought it was corny and not good at first but I think now I just sort of have to associate Crunch Bars with racial harmony. I am not saying that Crunch Bars are the solution to racial divide and tension in our you try today, but I also wouldn't be surprised if Crunch Bars are what solve all the worlds problems. Talking racial injustice, world hunger, Mark Zuckerberg dragging an absolute wagon of a dump truck ass behind him, climate change, things of that nature. 

Now my sources at Nestle have told me that these images are actually heavily doctored. However, I was able to get my hands on the original photos.


I am absolutely going to hell for that, but you know who isn't? Whoever thought up this commercial idea. Bravo, Nestle. 

Also, Crunch Bars are a sneaky top 10 candy and I won't hear arguments against that point because they are incredibly wrong. 

Thursday, June 25, 2020

LCB Fantasy Battles: Team River Monsters

I'll level with you folks, quarantine hasn't been great. Sure, there are some things that aren't so bad: saving money, not making a fool of yourself in front of the opposite gender after precisely three (3) Watermelon-Kiwi Truly's (the best flavor as we all know), as well as time to get back to things like reading or learning new hobbies. But at the same time, it's gotten a bit stale at this point. Well, stale with the exception of Thursday nights.

Content has been through the roof for some the past few months, and it's possible that no one has exceeded expectations quite like our pals over at 'Lights, Camera, Barstool'. Jeff D. Lowe has put on a masterclass thus far. Aside from continuing to host/edit/produce the LCB podcast, he's been running the wildly popular 'Dozen' trivia show along with my personal favorite piece of content from quarantine: Fictional Character Debates. The premise is quite simple, each person on the panel creates a team to do battle with another random team. Season 1 was 5 v. 5 basketball, and Season 2 is 4 v. 4 combat with one random weapon included.

Perhaps at this point you're saying to no one in particular, "How is that different from any other fictional debate from anyone else?" Well, the real magic is in the collection of minds they bring together each week. It's similar to an Avengers situation, but for Weird Twitter. You have KB and Nick from 'A New Untold Story' (commonly referred to with the abbreviation 'ANUS') who gave us the tale of Melty's:
As well as, well this, which is one of the funniest things I have seen:
There's Coley and Tyler from Mickstape:
And then the LCB boys, where Jeff plays a perfect host and straight man to counter not just the other guests, but his own co-hosts as well. KenJac is a wild card, and that makes Trillballins something even wilder than that. For any OG Twitter users that have been having withdrawals ever since our Big Baby Boy stopped using the site, the debates are PRIME TrillyBallGame and a big creative outlet for him. He put together some of the best teams in Season 1, including a squad made up of Independent Contractors My Wife Hires To Fix The House While I'm At Work. That team gave us the legend of Cru:
  EZJcObQX0AEjMFO.jpg


AND Doggystyle Gary:
  rpo350mfej051.jpg

Can we... can uhhh..... Can we got an other look at Cru really quick?

  EZJcObQX0AEjMFO

What a nice boy helping Mrs. Ballins out every day! We aren't sure what he precisely does but he's always there. They are very much worth a watch back if you have not seen them yet (HERE'S a playlist for you). Now, I've been thinking about what a team that I would make would look like. It;s hard to not totally rip off what those guys have been doing but I think I found a team that is fairly unique and is also formidable enough to take out the competition.

 I'm rolling with Team River Monsters.


 ARAPAIMA - 10 ft, 400 lbs

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GOONCH CATFISH - 8 ft, 200 lbs

Killer-fish-goonch-catfish-pictures0.jpg

PIRAIBA - 12 ft, 450 lbs

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JEREMY WADE - 6 ft, 141 lbs., 64 years old

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Good luck everybody else!

 The Piraiba is your big man, the target the other team should look to take out first. Not only does this catfish have the size, he has the killer instinct as well; the Piraiba is strongly rumored to be able to swallow men whole. Sounds a lot like my ex-wife, amiritefolks???

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You think Sugar Bear could operate knowing he could get Kirby-Succed by a massive fish at any moment? Not a chance, friend.

 The Goonch is like a sidekick of sorts for the Piraiba. It's also a rumored man-killer and compliments the length of its Amazonian pal with the strength and girth of a genetically modified, blue ribbon pig at a county fair:



 It's a fish so stocky, so massive and so muscle-bound that Jeremy had to "take a swim" to catch it: 



 The Goonch, while smaller than the other two, has a nasty streak and is nicknamed the Giant Devil Catfish and is blamed for numerous deaths along the Kali River in Asia.

 The Arapaima has the chance to really steal the show though. It has size, strength, speed and perhaps more importantly, the temperament. I'll let Jeremy describe it:


And if you aren;t convinced yet:


 And finally, the centerpiece of the team, Jeremy Wade.  The true River Monster. He's an extreme angler, underwater detective, biologist, master of landlocked waters, one of the most interesting and badass humans of all time. The only thing he doesn't like doing is killing fish, so when the opposition is literally just trying to kill fish I fully expect him to go full rage and wipe the floor with them singlehandedly. That's what Jeremy Wade does.

 I truly think this is an unbeatable team. You try and focus on the Piraiba due to its size and the Arapaima comes shooting out of the water with the force of a car wreck and splits your sternum open. Go after the Arapaima and you have two man-eating catfish trying to suck you down whole. Go after the Goonch and it will take you for a swim you will not return from. Oh and the entire time you have madman Jermey Wade running around like a man possessed trying to murder anyone who even thinks about laying a harmful finger on any of his aquatic brethren. Imagine thinking you're getting away from this man:
   jw.duckweed.jpgtumblr_mw9ugmSuvk1smaei4o1_500.png

 Fat chance, bub. You'll be sleeping with the fishes*.



 *This team deserves to lose for that pun and I apologize wholeheartedly for it.

Tuesday, May 5, 2020

Tim Tebow Is The Best Quarterback The Denver Broncos Have Ever Drafted?




I was perusing the Twitter Machine as one does in these times, and stumbled upon a stat I simply could not believe. Not a stat about how Tony Gwynn ate more cheeseburgers than he had swings-and-misses, or Wayne Gretzky still being the all-time NHL point leader if he had been a cartoon fox with a golf club instead of a hockey stick. No, this stat was far more startling and, frankly, troubling:



I don't know how that's possible if we can be frank for a moment. This is a franchise that's been around since 1960, and they have only one signal caller whom they drafted themselves that has won a playoff game for said franchise. And it's Tommy Turbo??? Now you might be saying to yourself, "Well that simply cannot be right, John Elway literally won two SuperBowls!" You'd be correct in that thinking...partially. John Elway did win a fair share of playoff games for the Broncos, HOWEVER--


He was actually drafted by the Baltimore Colts in 1983, and then traded to the Broncos before the season began. Now quarterbacks drafted by Denver include: Gary Kubiak, Tommy Maddox, Brian Griese, Jay Cutler, and more recently, Brock Osweiler, Trevor Siemian, Paxton Lynch, Chad Kelly and Drew Lock. They've brought in a lot of early round QB's over the years and yet it's Tebow who holds all the cards. Most of those guys are better fundamental quarterbacks than Tebow, even the ones who were bad like most of them drafted post-Cutler Era, but they never accomplished what Tebow did. 

You know who's won playoff games for Denver? In 1977 they had two postseason wins, both with Craig Morton (who joined the team 12 season into his career) at the helm. We then must move to 1986 for the next win; between 1986 and 1998 with Elway leading the offense they racked up 14 playoff victories. In 2005 Jake Plummer beat the Patriots before falling to the eventual champion Steelers. 2011 is obviously Tebow's shining moment, and after that it was Peyton Manning's turn, securing 5 playoff wins from 2013 to 2015. The Super Bowl win over the Panthers in 2015 is the last time the Broncos have won a playoff game as of May 2020. 

The Broncos aren't exactly a lower-tier team either. They aren't the Jaguars or Texans. Those are some pretty good names they've had line up under center, and while obviously the best of the best like Elway, Manning and Plummer weren't draft picks, you still have guys like Cutler and Griese that make you scratch your head. How did they not win even a Wild Card game??

So what does this all mean? I guess, simply put, Tim Tebow is the best quarterback the Denver Broncos have ever drafted. Talk about stats all you want, but winning is what it's all about from what I've been told and Tebow has done what literally no other quarterback drafted by Denver has ever done: won a playoff game for the Broncos. I still can't wrap my brain around this and I've been thinking about it for like 4 days now. It's insanity. 

Obviously we need to run that overtime winner back for Timmy.


I forgot he won the game on the first play of overtime, making this situation even more perplexing. Maybe the closest we've ever been to seeing divine intervention unfold in real life. 

Monday, April 27, 2020

Dennis Rodman Is Actually NOT Interesting, According to Bill Simmons


'The Last Dance' has been captivating TV the past two Sunday's. It would be captivating even without Big Rona wreaking havoc on entertainment. Last night we got what was sort of the Dennis Rodman-centric episode 3. Seeing all the stuff he did, seeing his teammates react both in the moment and in the interviews decades later, it was great. Highly entertaining theatre. Well, unless you're Captain Charisma Bill Simmons:
It's a fair point. Whomst could say this man is interesting??

 

The story about how he went from homeless to cleaning airport bathrooms at 20, and then growing 13 inches to become arguably the greatest rebounder and defender in NBA history, all while dyeing his hair a variety of colors seemingly weekly and wearing dresses and banging Madonna? A goddamn SNOOZEFEST if I've ever seen one. If he wanted to be considered cool and worthy of public intrigue, he should have asked to take a 48-hour leave of absence from the Bulls midseason to go on a bender in Vegas, complete with drinking Miller Lite as he was about to drive a motorcycle and needing MICHAEL JORDAN to come to the Strip to drag you back to practice after you've been AWOL for hours past your 48-hour team-approved romp. Oh and he should have had Carmen Electra hiding behind a couch when MJ came to collect. But alas, he wasn't interesting so it was impossible to think of this at the time. 

If, hypothetically, the only thing Dennis Rodman did besides play basketball is be best friends with a ruthless dictator of a Hermit Kingdom, being one of the only things about Western Culture this man likes and one of the few things to bring him actual human happiness, then that alone would be INCREDIBLY interesting. 

 


But The Worm was also, in theory, doing things like wearing dresses and eye shadow back before it was cool.


He might have joined the NWO at one point too. 


(Please watch that and then try to tell me Dennis Rodman isn't one of the coolest dudes on the planet)

This would not even be scratching the surface with Dennis Rodman. This guy has done so much stuff that would make anyone double take that you could probably do a docu-series just on his off the court hijinx. Alas, Billy Boy, who knows everything about having interesting personality traits, says he is not actually that interesting. Tough break for Ol Den, but thats the way the cookie crumbles. 

I'll leave you with this thought because it is a very fair point by Coley:

Tuesday, April 21, 2020

The Correct Greatest Wrestler of All-Time Bracket: THE LAST DANCE



FINAL FOUR HERE

Wow. We've finally made it: the last matchup of this bracket. Did I initially think it would take me this long to reach this point? No. Am I shocked it took this long in hindsight? Also no. We had to roll with the punches and deal with someone else's bracket, selections and seeding. I've made it known before that a few off the rankings were very off in my eyes, and thats not even counting the fact that I think the field that was selected isn't exactly the best. There are tweaks you could make to make it (somehow) harder and more interesting for sure. But that's not what this was about. This was about having correct opinions, of which I am batting 1.000.

So here we are. The last matchup. The last dance (Michael Jordan or ESPN or both are going to sue the everliving hell out of me for using that).

(1) Stone Cold Steve Austin v. (4) The Undertaker


Both of these men had to go through some serious talent to make it here. The Undertaker beat the likes of British Bulldog, Ultimate Warrior, Hulk Hogan, Chris Jericho and Rey Mysterio. Stone Cold ran through Lex Luger, Mick Foley, Daniel Bryan, Shawn Michaels and Kurt Angle. Those are two murderers rows of talent, so these two certainly deserve to be here. 

As adversaries for a good portion of their careers, they've run into this matchup before. But who's had the greatest impact, the greatest legacy? I've said it before but I really mean it now: This is an incredibly tough call to make. 

They each have titles. They have signature wins, signature moments. For instance, "Austin 3:16", Stone Cold's many stunners on Vince McMahon, or spraying him with a hose from a beer truck: 


The Undertaker has buried people alive, had that insane WrestleMania undefeated streak that lasted over two decades, and, oh yeah he once crucified Austin. Like, not verbally attacked him. He literally crucified Stone Cold: 

 

Both men were more than serviceable in the ring but weren't what I'd call top tier. In terms of athletic talent and ability, guys like Kurt Angle and Shawn Michaels would take an edge for the most part. But they both excelled at what they could do. They weren't going around doing flips and jumping off ladders like Jeff Hardy. They perfected the Stunners and Tombstone Piledrivers and things of that nature, and they stuck to their lanes and still tore the house down. Thats because they were two of the best (obviously since this is the finals) at connecting to an audience and playing their characters perfectly. They made people care and made people want to be them. 

It's just downright difficult to find the flaw in either case that would give the other an edge. I have to get incredibly nitpicky and bring up the fact that, for the most part, Stone Cold never strayed from that character once he really got rolling. Post-King of the Ring '96 he was just the Texas Rattlesnake with tweaks. Sometimes he sided with one person, other times he went against them. That sort of thing. Taker, meanwhile, went under a bit of a reboot in the early 2000's as "Big Evil". Instead of being the silent Deadman we had known, he was basically the same undead wizard but now he was in a biker gang and listened to Limp Bizkit and wore bandanas and chains and stuff. 


People actually liked it, and it has been gaining popularity in the current day. But that would be a slight knock on The Phenom. Stone Cold didn't have to change much, Taker apparently did. 

Sometimes in these matchups thats what it takes to get a win. What's the one chip in the opponents armor, and how big is it? In this case its a small crack but it should be enough...

WINNER: STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN



As I have continued to to say literally overtime I write these, this was so goddamn hard to decide. In the finals alone you had two legitimate icons of the entire business, not just WWE. What I've realized more fully in doing this is how vast pro wrestling has been. This focused entirely on American wrestling and it still left out major figures. You get into Japan and the current day? Forget it. I pray for whoever tries to take that task on. Kenny Omega against Triple H? Kofi Kingston against Antonio Inoki? Couldn't be me. 

Here's your final bracket: 


For now, Stone Cold Steve Austin is the GOAT. And thats the bottom line, 'cause STONE. COLD. SAID. SO.